 HOW DO YOU RECOGNIZE THE SURVIVAL PATTERN CALLED FAWNING
I continue to recognize this survival pattern, noticing more subtle ways it is still functioning in my life. I also see it is very common in many people. (everyone to some degree). At the nervous system level, fawning is a blend of the freeze (dorsal activation) and the fight/flight (sympathetic activation) survival response. In fawning, both these nervous system circuits are at a mild level of activation. Because they are mild and often chronic in fawning, it can go unrecognized - it feels normal. In mild activation it can appear - from the outside - like I'm calm and present and cooperative because of the aspect of trying to please others. This is how I experience it, and what I hear from others in their experience. It's useful to remember that fawning originates as an intelligent nervous system reflex reaction to perceived threats when no other option is available to find safety. It’s not a consciously chosen response or behavior. It usually comes into play very early in our childhood in adverse home life where inadequate support or even abusive situations were ongoing, either mildly or severely. We can even inherit family generational and cultural patterns of fawning. FAWNING AS A BLENDED NERVOUS SYSTEM STATE AND HOW IT PRESENTS IN OUR BEHAVIOR: The freeze is mild so it's not a complete dissociation, I call it a 'soft freeze'. It disconnects me from my inner experience: my feelings, needs and self-knowing. Instead, I'm focused on the environment and especially the people I'm with. The fight/flight, sympathetic nervous system activation is also mild and feels like a subtle anxious energy where I vigilantly focus on others' - what they are feeling and wanting, so that I can accommodate them, so I can then feel safe and accepted. That activation of the sympathetic nervous system when it is fear-based, keeps me in an anxious state looking for threat. Because it's a 'soft' freeze and a mild chronic sympathetic (anxious) activation, it is hard to recognize especially if it's a lifelong pattern and I'm used to it. Fawning can also look like being in the ventral nervous system mode - (in ventral we have a range of emotions but not overwhelmed, we’re relaxed/energized, present, engaged socially, connected within). With fawning I am focused in the present, interested in others (but through a fear-lens, vigilantly watching for danger), appear to be kind, calm and cooperative (but motivated by fear to please and appease). You can see how fawning can appear like we’re in ventral and socially engaged. The tricky thing is we ARE some of these positive qualities but they get tied to or hijacked by fear and the unconscious survival patterns and beliefs. NONE OF THIS IS intentional. If fawning is subtle, normal feeling and disguised as ventral, how do we recognize when we're fawning? These are some ways we can start to identify when the fawning reflex is engaged: *When we are disconnected from how we feel in our body, our emotions, our needs and our boundaries, while we are relating with others. *When we say "yes" to someone, and then later realize or sense that is not what we really want. But we weren’t in touch with it at the time. *It feels like it's not OK to change our minds, or take time making a decision before we respond to someone. *We don't know what our boundaries are or when we do know, we can't speak and assert them. *We may feel confused, we might feel conflicting 'yes' AND 'no' or unsure, but respond anyway. *We notice we are operating on automatic in how we respond to others. How can we compassionately and effectively work with fawning? The first step is awareness. Before speaking your truth or setting new boundaries, we need to FEEL our truth in our body and heart. We need to explore and discern the fawning reflex, how it feels as distinct from our authentic feelings and truth. Once we begin to recognize the fawning pattern and how unsatisfying it is, we might immediately want to change it, to stop behaving and performing to please others, and instead to speak up etc. We start to see that we are saying 'yes' when we don't want to, and we think we need to change that behavior right away. We focus on trying to change the performing aspect of fawning in our relationships before we've connected to how it feels within, before we've explored the roots of it. The key to deeply transforming this pattern is to start exploring the freeze/disconnection from within - as we experience it in our body, heart, beliefs and behaviors. Go into the body first, feel our 'no', our 'yes', our confusion, our fears, our boundaries and get intimately familiar with how they feel in our gut, posture, bones, our heart and whole being. We can continue further by somatically inquiring into the roots and origins of this pattern as we do with Embodied Processing. Fawning can take some time and practice to unravel. We don't want to suddenly expect to start saying our truth or setting boundaries with others when we've had years of not even being aware of them. It's unrealistic and unkind to oneself to expect a leap like that. When we do start speaking our truth and setting boundaries, it will likely bring up all sorts of emotions, fears, sadness and anger. We've likely had years when we weren't supported by others to do that, we were praised and rewarded for submersing our own needs to please others, over and over. We may have developed an identity of being "nice, cooperative, diplomatic, helpful, kind" etc. This process needs whatever time it takes. We can relax into the adventure and get support. This is what Embodied Processing is for. As we do this - processing, dismantling and completing the nervous system activations, - we connect with our truth and clarify our boundaries. The outward performing and people pleasing behaviors naturally and easily drop away and are replaced with clear communication and connection from our authentic depths. (Again – this takes time and practice and probably lots of messiness along the way). Let’s not pathologize fawning. I believe there is ‘gold’ in even our dysfunctional behaviors. But it takes some work to access it. Being stuck in the fawning pattern is not satisfying. It can cause suffering when it’s no longer an effective response to current situations and has a whole range of problematic consequences in our lives. Yet there is a deep gift in this pattern that we can set free. After exploring, and processing the origins of fawning the gift may be revealed. The ability to temporarily set aside our needs and preferences in order to meet the needs of others, or collaborate and contribute to the tribe - this can be a precious capacity and offering. The distinction here is that it is a conscious choice and a temporary setting aside of one’s personal needs, for the good of the whole or another person. The unconscious ‘freeze’ aspect is replaced with a conscious choosing to set aside my need or preference. The ‘please others’ behavior is replaced with a conscious gifting. A super important difference is that we are still in touch with our own needs and limits. We don’t cross our own boundaries but we notice where we can be flexible. This contributes to connecting in the relational field we share with others.  First, it’s helpful to know that the vagus nerve is the largest nerve in the body. Rather than one nerve it is more a vast network of branches that go from the brain stem to the throat, the lungs, heart, digestive organs and reproductive organs.
80% of nerve impulses through the vagus nerve are sensorial info from the body to the brain. This is the primary reason why we can consciously activate the vagus nerve by doing nervous system resourcing activities. They help us contact the vagus nerve which then shifts the nervous system from fight/flight/freeze to ventral – rest/digest/connect). This is why there is so much emphasis these days on activating the vagus nerve. People are so individual as to which techniques will work for them - to contact and activate their vagus nerve. That's why we have to try a wide variety. Context can make a huge difference as can WHO we are with. (if you're with a guide with whom you don't feel attunement and you're doing a nervous system resourcing technique, it might not work due to the lack of attunement). In addition, doing one technique for 1 minute might not activate the vagus nerve, whereas doing the same technique for 3 or 5 min. and repeating it numerous times will more likely activate it. That's why giving a simple list of techniques may not produce results we’re looking for. I notice that the people who have a CHRONIC F/F activation (e.g. chronic anxiety or being stuck in stressful thinking), often need to do some kind of vigorous movement to get that energy moving in the body and releasing some of the excess tension BEFORE some of these regulation techniques work. Here are some ways to activate the vagus nerve along with links to demo videos: Loud singing or toning = vibrating the back of the throat can activate the vagus nerve. but it needs to be loud. (usually singing or toning has the added benefit of long slow exhalations) demo here. Gargling- VIGOUROUSLY – for several minutes – 6 times a day (no video for this one yet) Big breath in -> HOLD for a few seconds -> exhale long and slow. The hold in between is important as it stretches receptor sites in and around the lungs which in turn is registered by the vagus nerve as a signal of safety. Demo Here Completing the Flight activation: Here's a guided practice: Demo Here Simple technique with the hands: "Deceleration" - rub the hands together really fast and then GRADUALLY slow the movement down. This simple going from fast to slow can signal to the vagus nerve that it's safe to relax. Demo Here If the person responds to touch and rhythm try this one: Demo Here Rosenberg’s eye movement pattern to activate the vagus nerve: Demo Here Another Eye movement exercise that is useful when there's a lot of mental anxiety and then for reconnection with the body there’s a simple whole body movement. Demo Here Experiment. There are infinite ways to activate the vagus nerve. What it is and what you can do about it The Effects of a ‘Dysregulated Nervous System’ on our lives
Living with a chronic dysregulated nervous system is draining and results in much suffering. Many physical illnesses have a basis in chronic stress and/or chronic suppression in the nervous system. Many mental illnesses, difficulties in learning, struggles in relationships and general unhappiness can be seen when the nervous system is in a state of chronic dysregulation. People often turn to substance or behaviors (addictions) in an attempt to cope with chronic nervous system dysregulation. What is Nervous system Dys-regulation? We have 3 nervous system (NS) branches. One branch, called Rest/Digest/Connect, facilitates connection with other people, higher thinking and a multitude of restorative body functions. The other 2 circuits are commonly called fight/flight, and freeze/shutdown. Either of these two get activated when the NS perceives threat. This is below our conscious awareness and happens automatically. When the fight/flight or freeze/shutdown branches are activated the body’s restorative systems go on hold and all focus is on readiness to fight, flee or freeze in order to survive. These are normal self-protective reflexes but when either of the 2 survival branches become stuck in the “on” mode, our ability to think creatively, connect with other people, and many restorative body functions go on hold - like digestion, and immune system, deep restorative sleep, ability to think creatively and engage socially is also reduced. How or why the survival branches get stuck is often due to unresolved trauma responses, coping patterns, cultural conditioning or lack of enough early childhood nervous system mirroring with parents or caregivers who have a stable nervous system themselves. Beliefs (about ourselves and the world) and deficiency stories perpetuate and reactivate our survival responses. In turn, our nervous system survival patterns reinforce our beliefs and deficiency stories. We can help our dysregulated nervous system get unstuck. As we become aware of our nervous system states and how we react to life, we can choose new ways to respond and tend our nervous system, bringing it back into the Rest/Digest/Connect branch (aka ‘ventral vagal’). It’s when we increase our capacity to be anchored in ventral and return to ventral when we are triggered, that gives the capacity to heal, and grow, to have the resilience to dissolve old patterns, to engage the healing capacities of our bodies, to be more present and creative in our relationships and much more. What can you do? Here are some simple exercises you can do to shift your nervous system state. There are many ways to do this, these are just a few that are super simple and easy to do any time. (for guided exercises check out my YouTube channel here) 1. Practice full body bouncing and shaking while exhaling with a sigh or a “zzzzz” sound. Continue 1 to 3 min. During and afterwards notice the space around you and pause to rest. 2. Try long slow exhalations (to do so, breathe deep, hold a moment, then exhale slowly like you are blowing through a straw for about 6 seconds). Do this 2 or 3 times, then breathe normally a couple times. Repeat this set several more times. During and afterwards notice the space around you and pause to rest. 3. Twist/turn side to side from the waist while letting your arms swing out and back to tap the body gently. Repeat in a relaxed rhythm while noticing how it feels. During and afterwards notice the space around you and pause to rest. 4. Assume the welcoming posture (standing or sitting). Hold the arms wide open as if to welcome someone into a hug. Become still and keep breathing. Come into the stillness as awareness in the spaces around and between everything. Watch what arises and welcome everything as it is. Do these in any order. Do them for any amount of time – approx. 30 sec. up to 3 minutes each. Experiment and listen to how your body wants to move. There may be a version that works better for you.  What is the philosophy and value underlying engaging in a daily practice - my reflections:
"We live within systems that continually call us into our heads/minds, narrowly operating through rational thinking, competition and production etc. Often this is disconnected from our bodies and hearts, from the Earth and a relational life. It can keep us from accessing non-ordinary consciousness which is a rich resource. If we’re living disconnected from aspects of ourselves it is harder to see our stuck patterns and ‘shadow’. Our unconscious reflexes can assert in forms of aversion and cravings that can drive our choices and behaviors. In a sense, the repetition of a practice over time reprograms our nervous system. Some might not like the idea of conditioning and programing, but it’s just a natural part of living that what we repeat creates patterns in our nervous system. If we don’t choose what patterns us, then by default we will be patterned by negative bias in our primal system combined with the culture we live in and what we expose ourselves to day after day. It takes a choice to make time to cultivate living more holistically, in touch with our body’s wisdom and needs, our heart intuition and feelings, our highest cognitive intelligence and our interconnectedness with others and all life. A daily practice can serve this choice. It’s about taking responsibility for our own energies, seeing where we need restoration, nourishment and balance. Practice can support stewardship of our gifts in a holistic way. We can then bring this into all our work, play and relationships. A daily practice can helps us go from living on automatic, surviving to Thriving and cultivating what our heart’s calling is. I believe in the innate intelligence and wisdom of our bodies and the Earth/Nature/Cosmos. To tap into this intelligence and wisdom we need to tend and tune our vessels on a daily basis. When we do this all aspects of our vessel (body heart, feelings, higher thinking and intuition etc) become unified as a “receiver” as well as a transmitter of energies and creativity, wisdom and pleasure. Having a solo practice can help us ebb and flow - going within then going outwards engaging with others. Solo practice allows us to separate for a time to really feel our own energies and states, our needs as distinct from others. When we are in the thick of daily life, work and relationships there can be a lot of overlaps with others, blurred boundaries and needs, automatic patterns and demands. Creating a sacred space ( a designated time and place apart) ebbing away from groups and the systems, into your personal space can facilitate clarity for your uniqueness, help to clarify boundaries that support your deeper calling/purpose. This in turn gives energy for going outward and engaging with others with new energy, your unique gifts and presence. The activities one chooses to do in their solo practice can be quite varied depending on one’s purpose and personal taste, what skills one wants to cultivate, awarenesses one wants to sharpen. Themes for your solo practice can come from something you want to manifest or an area of your life you want to nourish. Group practice (any shared focus or activity between 2 or more people that is consciously chosen for their mutual benefit or purpose) Many people who want to do a solo daily practice, find it very challenging to do alone, to stay consistent, to keep it fresh and relevant. Joining with others in a group practice can be a great way to get going. The group energy and being committed to the group often helps us stick with a practice. Group practice benefits a group too. We steward our interpersonal relationships and shared values and purposes. We refine skills together esp, skills of listening and witnessing without judgement. Communicating with compassion. Group practice can foster a sense of belonging. Attunement, Co-regulation. Establishing shared languages and meanings within a group. The group energy and the ‘group mind’ brings a different empowerment to us than the solo practice. We need each other – it’s a biological imperative to be connected in healthy ways. Our modern culture and generational traumas have separated us from our healthy bondedness with each other. Doing practices together can heal, repair and empower our beautiful interconnectedness so we can engage in creative collaborations that benefit and evolve our social systems. Where 2 or more cells (systems, individuals etc) touch their edges together is where the creativity flourishes.❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤💔 |
